I keep saying the time isn’t right, but that is all a pretense, another way of saying I’m afraid

  • china to surpass japan to become 2nd largest economy; kind of bland, one particularly interesting point that might be a shock to some:

While China has become more vocal in international forums, it shows few signs of wanting to assume a global leadership role like that of the U.S.

I want to browse more but my internet suddenly got verrrry slow. My mom called me today and updated me on my apartment situation. Thanks, roomie, for taking the bedroom with the (bigger) closet IN the room :[ I’m the girl here…:[[[ And now I’m worrying about not having internet when I first get to SF because heaven knows if he’s set that up…sigh. I love my roomie but I wish at least the internet would be taken care of…

Aside from getting almost no series studying done this weekend, it was a great weekend. There was definitely a sentence in chapter 1 that I read 5 times which still did not make sense. And it really wasn’t my not paying attention … it was just a very poorly written sentence. But regarding series readings … it gets quite arcane with respect to the regulations. We saw Andrew M briefly over the weekend (on a side note, I am frustrated I haven’t settled in on a capitalization schema yet for this blog, haha…the small grievances of life) and he said when he tests for continuing registration, he often finds himself thinking, ‘what? I didn’t know that was illegal.’ Hahaha…

I love the iPhone 4, by the way. Just small additions to my life that amount to so much in aggregate (much like with the mac, too). Like notes along with its interface. Which is now where I jot all my random musings during the day.

One of the things I really fully experienced this weekend (and on the receiving end, so it leaves a more indelible mark) – selfishness is a dealbreaker for any type of serious friendship and definitely any romantic relationship. We can tolerate it only up to a certain proximity to our hearts. And trust me, there is no such thing as charmingly selfish. However, like is the case made elsewhere about the two types of companies that die (ones that never listen to their customers ones that listen too much to their customers), too much unselfishness is also a turnoff. You lose yourself. As Ayn Rand famously said (if my memory serves me…), to say “I love you” you need to first be able to say “I.”

Something else that occurred to me – like many other things that are components of it, life itself does not happen until you make time for it. We can all so easily trudge along from day to day, half awake as if in some society-induced stupor. We can spend all our minutes focusing on what is directly in front of us, how to put one foot in front of the other. Or we can take a split second and glance around. And maybe we stumble a little at first because we’re not used to taking our eyes off the ground, but it’ll be an addictive second and soon we’ll find ourselves looking around more often, for greater durations, breathing in the loveliness that surrounds each of us on a daily basis. But for all of this to happen, we need to make time and have courage. And upon having looked around, we need to continually make time to look around, to experience our surroundings for eight or nine decades. I read somewhere that put it beautifully – everyone is born, but not everyone lives.

Which segues nicely to my reemerging desire to take up photography again. I had some slight experience with it in high school towards the end when we were encouraged to explore media outside of our comfort zones (and photography + photoshop were very much outside mine). I want to be able to document what I see around me in another way, beyond just writing as I am now. And I also want to take pictures for Etsy items, but that’s another story.

And this weekend I was reminded again, after having a friend confide in me, that I definitely never ever want to be “that girl.” The girl that is the cause for a breakup. It’s supremely painful on the receiving end, so if there is any solidarity in our gender, this would be the most basic acts of courtesy.

On the topic of dispensing advice (sorry for the stream of consciousness nature of this post…trying to write out a weekend of thoughts), I met a friend (well, maybe somewhere at the border between acquaintance and friend) to talk about his upcoming 2+2 interview and realized yet again that perception is more important than reality in all but the closest relationships. There were several times in the course of the conversation that I felt like he was almost mockingly sarcastic (versus playful sarcastic) and I know almost for sure that he doesn’t mean to come across like that (he’s not even a sarcastic person), but at the moment, I was taken aback by how strong the perception (and consequently the injury) was. But how does one solicit feedback on how one is perceived without coming off as too self-conscious or needy? Maybe if you can have just a few close ones in your life dispense that type of advice. And just context clues, too. One of the things Daly pointed out that I loved was that you can judge how you’re perceived by the types of responsibilities people will give to you. So the next time you want to do a quick litmus test, volunteer to do something (like planning the Christmas party or analyzing the comp set) and see how people react.

Talking to this friend (since he still has one last year of school) reminded me that school is starting soon! This Wednesday, actually. I remember at the beginning of every school year, I’d have a full new list of resolutions and plans and I don’t think this year will be any different (in a later post though – too late tonight). But what was really interesting when I thought about school at dinner was that as much as I miss it when I actively think about certain aspects of it (driving around Austin, the dorms, certain classes, etc.), I have more or less put it behind me. When Andrew said at lunch that he missed school and Frank agreed, I purposefully didn’t chime in because I didn’t. Not the same way they did. There will always be brief flashes of intense nostalgia because I had a great time there, but – and maybe it’s me – I’m very good at putting the past behind me. I’m not quite as good as keeping my mind off the future which means I worry more. :[

In completely unrelated news, was watching tennis (tennis always makes me think for some reason…maybe it’s the pace of the game or the strategy of it – though all games have strategy, so I’m not so sure about that one – and today was no exception) and for some reason or other, saw a brief blurb that the portmanteau “frenemy” has been added to the Oxford Dictionary. Apparently I’ve been using it incorrectly all this time (“a person one is friendly with despite a fundamental dislike”). Along with frenemy, Oxford has added vuvuzela, chill pill (“a notional pill to make someone calm” – lolol), and bromance (a close but non-sexual relationship between two men”). Love it.

Finally, I wanted to cover a fairly serious personal topic. I realized this weekend that for at least the last few months, the only person that really makes me angry still is my mother. And it’s such a strange, almost instant-on anger, too, as if I’ve become conditioned to be angry at the sound of her voice. And it’s totally undeserved. She deserves all the compassion that I can muster. Sometimes I am very frustrated with her because I can see in her all the foibles that she points out in me and that I’ve noticed and have been trying to fix for a very long time. I am frustrated because she thinks she is no longer capable of change, has bought in so whole heartedly to that idea that it might as well be a reality. And maybe that’s where the anger resides – in that a person choose to not make progress. So many people are limited in making progress because of external factors or physical/mental/psychological incapacity. What a waste it is to choose to not make progress. I can understand but have difficulty accepting why somebody who has experienced the joy of walking can one day just decide to lie down and observe. The reason is usually because that person has faced repeated setbacks, and not of the minor variety. Generally also not of the impersonal variety, either (so not really career setbacks, since those can be major). It’s usually something of the intensely personal set that wounds the heart so deeply that that wound does not disappear until the heart stops beating. Sigh. I definitely need to show more compassion.

Two resolutions then – the above and that I will stop looking at my blog stats – haha – because it is a pointless activity that sometimes subtracts happiness.

I am very grateful for this blog and this hotel. I am grateful to have a job and caring friends. I am grateful to still have an intact family. I am grateful for my lack of financial stress.

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